Vampire Diaries: Therapy Sessions
by YourKarmaHitMyDharma
Summary: The immensely troubled and messed up characters of TVD get together for a greatly needed Therapy Session.


**Explanation: I decided to continue the 'Therapy Session' series with TVD. Why? Because it's pretty freakin' amazing.**

**So without further ado…**

Chapter One  
><span>In Which Vampires Need Therapy<span>

..

_We begin our magnificent journey at the Gilbert house. All the furniture has been replaced by a circle of chairs, sat on by the lovely cast. On the far left end, we see Edna. She is thirty-or-something, up-tight, bland-looking therapist.  
><em>

Edna: Hello, everyone. I am Edna, you're…what shall we call it…'trusted acquaintance'. Welcome the first Mystic Falls Therapy Session. I'm looking forward to working with all of you. Now, let's go around the circle and introduce ourselves. Damon? Why don't you start us off?

Damon: *stands up* I'm Damon Salvatore. Piss me off and you're dead. *sits down*

Edna: Err, what a lovely introduction, Damon. Thank you for that. Katherine? You're next.

Katherine: *stands up* Hi, I'm Katherine and I don't love Damon. *glances at Damon with a smirk, his lips are quivering with sadness*

Damon: You FEMALE DOG! *turns to Edna*you see the perfectly clear evidence of the targeting that's going on here! WHY DO WOMEN DESPISE ME?

Elena: Maybe because—because…Damn I can't think of anything witty to say.

Katherine: MAYBE BECAUSE YOU'RE SO UGLY. *realizes what she just said.* Oh, wait…

Stefan: Maybe we should all just take a deep breath, and do some warm up exercises. It always helps my mojo get in the zone while I'm listening to Marc Anthony. He's so sexy. I call him Bodacious Skelator…

Jeremy: I find that to be perfectly normal.

Bonnie: AWH HELLLLLL NAAAAAH. *zaps Damon off his chair with her mighty Witch powers*

Edna: OKAY, OKAY. Settle down, people! *to herself* Why did I take this job?

Tyler: You suck at whispering to yourself….seriously. I scale your skill a 0 out of 9387492837492834.

Edna: That's a pretty big number…

Damon: OBVIOUSLY. *gets zapped yet again from Bonnie* WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WOMEN? I'M GORGEOUS! *gets zapped again* Sweet mother of baby Jesus! *gets zapped yet again* Damn you…

Bonnie: Being me is freakin' awesome.

Alaric: I decided I'm going to become a woman. *everyone stops what they're doing to look at him* Pshh, I was kidding, guys…It was obviously a joke… *sinks into his chair*

Caroline: Speaking of women, let's talk about how pretty I am!

Matt: Giggity.

Katherine: If I told Elena she was ugly….and she looks exactly like me…*continues trying to figure out the obvious*

Damon: Sometimes I wonder why I even loved her… *gets zapped* DAMN YOU, BONNIE.

Bonnie: Mwa-ha-ha.

Klaus: THAT WAS LEGIT RIGHT THERE. *stands on his chair* FRICKIN' LEGIT.

Rebekah: Maybe we should talk about something that actually has to do with the show…Like how-

Elena: GET OUTTA THIS STORY, YA DING-DONG.

Damon: He-he…ding-dong…*zapped* AHHH. RIGHT IN THE BUTTHOLE.

Bonnie: LMFAO.

Stefan: GUYS. GUESS WHAT.

Elijah: OH-EHM-GEE WHAAT.

Stefan: I just changed my last name to Cullen…ISN'T THAT TOTALLY ADORABUBBLE?

Elijah: *squeals*

Edna: Dear Lord…

Jenna: I don't comprehend the situation that is occurring at this given moment.

Vicki: SAY MORE WORDS!

Jenna: …more words?...

Anna: I named my cat Olaf…Just thought you guys might want to know that.

Jeremy: You…have a cat?

Anna: Yeah. His name is Olaf.

Jeremy: K cool.

*Everyone sits in awkward silence*

Elena: Let's talk about how BOTH Stefan and Damon love me. *giggles*

Damon: *about to say something but stops himself, knowing he'll get zapped*

Stefan: Sorry, Elena. But I'm all for Delena.

Caroline: Wait…Stefan is Team Damon?

Stefan: I mean, they just HAVE to get together. I swear if they don't at least KISS by the end of the season I will FRICKIN STAKE MYSELF AND THE WRITERS.

Elena: Well, this was an interesting development.

Damon: JUST FLIP THE FRICKIN SWITCH. *snaps Jeremy's neck but he instantly comes back to life*

Jeremy: What the hell, man! *feels his neck* actually, you should be a chiropractor or something. I FEEL LIKE I'M BRAND NEW!

Damon: YOU'RE VERY WELCOME, SIR.

Katherine: Thank you?

Edna: I think we should talk about the Stefan-Delena issue.

Stefan: It's not an issue! GOSH. Oh, and GREAT. You messed up my calm vibe. Now my mojo is all over the place. THANK YOU.

Tyler: DO everyone a favor and never say that again…I'm begging you.

Caroline: its dirtiness is too much for me to handle.

Klaus: *turn it off* TUUUURRRRRN IT OFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

Mikael: No one likes you.

Klaus: I like myself.

Mikael: No. Just, no.

Alaric: *sings* I'm sexy and I know it. *random techno music begins to play. Katherine becomes so confused that she jumps off the roof*

Eden: The thought of having to help these people wants me want to kill myself.

Matt: Giggity.

..

**That's basically all I can think of right now**. **Ha-ha yes I know this is stupid but it's so much fun to write. I'd love some positive feedback?**


End file.
